At this point in history where abusive behaviour is on the rise, understanding how abuse is perpetrated can assist people who are trying to set boundaries with those individuals who suffer from not knowing when their rights stop.
Below are a few strategies abusers use to gain an upper hand. If you are having these done to you, it may help you see the patterns of the less than scrupulous people you may be dealing with. If you are doing any of the strategies below to gain an upper hand or to demoralize another, stop being a fucking prick and grow up.
Triangulation: is the craft of injecting oneself between two parties with the intention of dividing them or breaking their bond. It is done so the one doing the dividing can feel they are in control.
Gossip: is the weaponization of the tongue. Gossip hurts—it is designed to increase the self-esteem of the person whose tongue is wagging—it can also be dangerous in situations where domestic or family violence, family breakdowns or issues are happening. Gossip falsely esteems the one doing the gossiping because it almost always involves putting down another person—instead of speaking highly of them. The gossip always happens behind the other person’s back of course so the one being gossiped about cannot stand up, defend or correct the gossiper(s) for any misconstrued statements. It is cowardly at the least and damaging on an unimaginable scale at worst, as it can shape the opinions of many people against the one(s) being gossiped about.
Gossip can happen within family dynamics, work situations or within any group/organization where people congregate.
Fallacy regarding Mental Illness: Abusers aren’t mentally ill; they are ill-intended. Intention is everything and when one is ill-intended, they go out of their way to inflict pain and suffering onto others.
Reasons vary—it may be so they can get ahead financially, attain a higher position of employment or in the community; or just plain because they get off on ‘the Kill’ of emotional, psychological or physical blood lust. These people are out there and their numbers are staggering. Ignorance to the pain and suffering they are causing is no longer an excuse.
At first glance they may be hard to see as they may give the appearance of feeling love and affection for those closest to them, but in reality, they have no regard for anyone other than themselves.
Identifying abuse patterns are significant because without understanding the mechanics of abuse we will never move beyond it.
Even if you point out when someone’s behaviour is abusive and can articulate how and why it is so, abuser’s often will turn on and attack the one who points it out, leaving us with the realization that the abuser has no intention of taking responsibility for their actions. They are not challenged to change because it is the right thing to do—they are only challenged to protect their own ego and perceived reputation.
The support and the level of healthy boundaries of the people surrounding the target of the abuse will dictate whether the abuser will be successful in causing harm to the targeted individual. When the abuser realizes a person is privy to their abusive patterns, that is when they will really fuck you, leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that the behaviour was intentional.
Bystanders and enablers who will not inject themselves in to stop the abuse are as complicit as the abusers themselves. Anyone who rats them out will also potentially become a target as a consequence for questioning their actions.
If you are surrounded by such morally weak or abusive people, often your only choice is to leave, not only the vicinity of the abuser, but also leave the weak people they surround themselves with behind. Turn your attention to finding happiness within yourself and with people who do value you. Upon closer inspection, you probably are a good person and have people who do love and respect you—you are only an asshole to the abuser and their supporters. Coming to the conclusion that you have abusers in your midst and you may have to turn you back on them may be a painful process to go through, but you will be better off in the long run.
If the abuser surrounds themselves with morally weak people (and they usually do), those individuals will justify the abuse in order to stay on the good side of the abuser, whether knowingly or not. If you find yourself in a situation like this; kick them all to the curb. They are never going to have an epiphany, apologize or change; you will always be a target for them so give them all the gift of missing you.
Those who inflict pain and suffering on others are cowards and morally bankrupt so do not fall for the assumption spouted in mental health circles that ‘Hurt People Hurt People’. It is time more people started to own their shit and take responsibility for the pain and suffering they inflict onto others.
©Sandy Glaze 2021